Movie Review: “Longlegs”

By Bob Garver

            The gruesome horror movie “Longlegs” pulled something of an upset at this past weekend’s domestic box office. It wasn’t enough to upset “Despicable Me 4” for the #1 spot, but it did do the best among new releases. Great reviews were seemingly enough to pull the family-unfriendly indie darling into the #2 spot and make it the only movie to pull in half of what “Despicable Me 4” made. And to all the critics whose diligent word of mouth turned this scrappy upstart into a surprise hit, I have to say: you must have seen a different “Longlegs” than I did, because the movie I saw was a joke.

            Maika Monroe stars as FBI agent Lee Harker. She’s super-intuitive to the point where neither she nor the Bureau can figure out if she’s psychic or just highly intelligent. Whatever the reason, she’s competent enough for veteran agent Carter (Blair Underwood) to put her on a high-profile case. They’re looking for a person of interest called Longlegs, connected to a series of family murders. The murders themselves are apparently committed by members of the respective families, but a cryptic, Satanic note attributed to Longlegs is always found at the scene. The mystery is, what’s Longlegs’ deal?

            Nicolas Cage plays Longlegs, who I’d describe as a cross between “Silence of the Lambs” villain Buffalo Bill and Michael Jackson. But not actually-convincingly-creepy “Thriller” Michael Jackson, but screechy, ultra-white, only-unintentionally-creepy Michael Jackson. But at least Buffalo Bill was able to behave somewhat normally in a few scenes so he could plausibly fool victims and authorities. Longlegs doesn’t have a single moment where he’s not a total wackaloon. I’m convinced the only reason this movie is set in the 90’s is because at any subsequent time, he’d be filmed on a phone and arrested - not for the murders, but for being a public nuisance. Some will say that he has to be taken seriously as a villain because of the gravity of the crimes in his vicinity, but even he knows he can’t be taken seriously and needs to find a way around it.

            It’s clear that Longlegs is either mentally ill or demon-possessed. The same can be said for Lee’s hoarder mother Ruth (Alicia Witt), as well as minor characters with direct connections to the case like scene-stealing survivor Carrie Anne (Kiernan Shipka). But I can’t for the life of me figure out why every actor in this movie has to play their part like a total weirdo. A crime lab specialist is quick to posit wild theories about a mysterious container. A mental hospital ward is so trusting that he doesn’t check ID’s on visitors. Even Lee is filled with quirks, like wanting nothing to do with Carter’s daughter Ruby (Ava Kelders, herself playing her part with distracting stiffness). The lack of social grace wasn’t funny when Dakota Johnson did it in “Madame Web” and it isn’t funny here.

            “Longlegs” would have worked better if more characters were played straight, so the odd ones would stand out more. Not that the odd ones don’t stand out, but they have to overcompensate, hamming up their performances to ridiculous levels. Director Osgood Perkins clearly told every cast member, “we like weird, people!” apparently forgetting that it was both subtle and broad strokes that made his father Anthony such a memorable horror villain in “Psycho.” Imagine if Norman Bates popped out in a dress in all his scenes instead of just one and you’ll understand my problem with “Longlegs.” The movie is effectively scary in some early scenes where we don’t quite know the enemy, but it loses that effectiveness when the enemy, along with too many other characters, proves to be phony and silly.

Grade: C-

“Longlegs” is rated R for bloody violence, disturbing images and some language. Its running time is 101 minutes.

Contact Bob Garver at [email protected].