Coffee Time: “DIVORCE IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR”

You may have been racing to get out of your marriage. Couldn’t hardly wait until your signature was still wet on that divorce decree. Maybe. Maybe not. 

Instead, maybe you were one of those spouses who fought desperately to hold on to your marriage, but lost it anyway. But now, like it or not, a divorce is in your rear-view mirror. And as you drove away from that part of your life, celebrating or sobbing, you very likely discovered something.

That no matter how long and how far you drive, it’s still there. In that mirror every time you dare to raise your eyes and look.

There’s a reason for that. Memories. Feelings. Reverberations of moments suddenly surfacing in your mind. Divorce doesn’t cause these to simply evaporate into thin air, to never surface in your current life again. Quite to the contrary, they’re a part of you. Just as much as your lungs, your brain, and your liver.

If your memories contain happiness, then you probably experience pain. From knowing you lost the source of those memories. But if your memories that suddenly surface are angry, hurtful ones – well, you also will experience pain. From reluctantly reliving that part of your life. 

Whatever way that it entered your life, you know this. Divorce. Carries. Pain.

And if there are children from your lost marriage, the heartache is so much deeper. One of you becomes the day-to-day hands-on parent for the child, the one who carries the heavier responsibility when childhood illnesses hit, who has to balance work/single parenting, dole out discipline, and be the constant understanding loving presence when your child is going through tough times. 

What about the other parent? The one who is only closely intertwined in the child’s life via scheduled visits, phone calls, texts, and letters. The parent who may feel like they lost out in a lot of ways, no matter the huge effort and hard work they may put into being an out-of-the-home Dad or Mom. 

And there is another genuinely difficult part of co-parenting. Where two people, who’ve decided it’s impossible get along in marriage, have to slog through their differences, work together on scheduling, smile tightly when they’d rather indulge in angry yelling, and hopefully refrain from cutting their ex-spouse down in front of Junior. Difficult act to pull off, having to play nice-nice with the very person you often wished in the grave. 

Then there is often remarriage in the picture. To someone who may bring their own children and heartaches from their former marriage. Also, what if a new baby comes from your new marriage? Now you are dealing with ‘yours, mine, and ours.’ And remember, that stressful twist of ‘yours, mine, and ours has two perspectives – yours and your new spouse. 

So much pain.

If your rear-view mirror is still clear right now, work on your existing marriage and pray hard. Before this can happen to you.