Malcolm Dykes: There's a Better Way to Use Toilet Paper

This past Saturday (Sept. 23) ushered in my favorite season of the year, Fall, and with it comes many traditions and customs.  

Traditions like hunting seasons, football and vacations up into the Smoky Mountains and Gatlinburg.  

But along with those much desired and anticipated traditions come what I found just now taking my child to our rural school this morning.  

Two residents had their yard papered during the night.  

One was a newly placed double wide mobile home and the other was an older wood frame house that looks to have been around long as me.  

The latter gets 'selected' every year about this time.  

Somebody is having fun at somebody else's expense.  

All I can say is there is a better way to use toilet paper.  

As far back as I can remember as an adult, this is a common sight come Fall as mischievous minds kick into gear and under the cover of night slip into unsuspecting victim's yards and unroll dozens of rolls of toilet paper all up in the trees and over bushes.  

When the occupants wake up the next morning, they find white paper everywhere.  

I've been a victim of this so-called fun more times than I care to remember, and I can tell you by experience it is no fun cleaning the mess up.  

If you don't find out before the dew and wind hits the paper your chances of ridding your property of the white litter is slim to none.  

It takes weeks and even months for it to deteriorate and dissipate to be gone.  

I found the best way to get rid of most of the litter is to take a butane clicker lighter and set fire to the ends of the paper and it will burn the paper that usually goes all the way up to the top of the tree and back down.  

If you try and pull the mess out of the tree, you wind up tearing only a small portion of the long trailing paper way up in the branches out of reach.  

But with a 'no burn ban' on our area due to the summer long drought, these two unfortunate recipients who live just up the road from me will have to suffer and tough out the unsightly vandalism that's happened.  

Most sheriff departments have laws against such activity and is considered a misdemeanor, but it is a form of trespassing and vandalism.   

Sorry, I fail to see the humor in all of this.   

There's a better way to use toilet paper.  

While a pastor near Philadelphia MS in the early 80’s, a couple young men in our church decided to have some fun at their pastor’s expense.  

One night while church was going on they slipped out and went to paper the newly built parsonage we lived in.  

The church parsonage was about a hundred yards away from the church and I had placed an electric single wire fence around the yard between the two buildings for my horse to graze in.  

Just about every family in the church had horses so I had joined in with them to participate in the often trail rides held.  

Dew had fallen on the grass and tall weeds that grew along the outside of the fence and one of the prankster's head was wet with the dew and he forgot about the fence in the dark as he crawled on his hands and knees with his bag of toilet paper.  

Doug later confessed when his forehead touched the active electric wire sparks flew and he felt the charge go all the way to his toes!  

It left a brown streak across his forehead and broke up the party before it ever got started!  

I know most of you bent on doing this it is only for fun but just remember now days with so many hooked-on drugs and mind controlling substances all may not share your light heartedness. 

Guess I’ve watched too many crime shows. 

There's a better way to use toilet paper.  

God bless you and God bless America.